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18 October 2009 @ 12:17 pm
My Hero  

I miss you and love you everyday, Daddy.

I still can't believe that a year ago, the man in my life, my hero took his last breath and walked on to a better world.

If someone told me early last year that by the end of 2008, I would'nt get to hear my Dad's laugh or get to hug him again, I would have just shook my head and wagged my finger at the possibility.

When we were in the hospital, there was one night when I couldn't sleep so I just settled myself on the couch and read a book. I heard my Dad moving in bed so I shifted up to check on him and there he was, sitting up, glasses on, reading a book as well.

"Hi Daddy."
"Hi Kadick, can't sleep?"
"No, what about you? Go to sleep na, get some rest."
"I've been sleeping the whole day eh. You should get some rest. I know you're tired."

I remember thinking how unfailingly kind he was, how much he put others ahead all the time. Who, despite their pain and suffering would think about the needs of someone else? My Dad, that's who.

It's unbelievable how much he went through in his life and how little I knew about them. Of course, I remember all the stories but I had no idea that there were still more to find out. His achievements, his generosity, his kindness, his honesty can't be compared. And the fact that he never showed them off makes them even more special.

A year ago, I was getting ready to go to the hospital and as I came back from the bathroom, I saw missed calls from the hospital phone. Thinking it was the usual, "Where are you" questions, I didn't call back and resumed to dressing up as fast as I could.

Then, my phone rang again.
"Your Dad is gone. Your Dad is gone." Our helper, Erica repeated hysterically.

I felt the wind knocked out of me as I fell on my chair.
"Just come here. Your Dad is gone. Your Dad is gone."
Then she hung up.

I turned to Pat, speechless and in shock.
She looked at me and understood right away.
After what seemed like forever, I broke down and cried tears of anger on her shoulder.

As I stepped into the hospital room, I wasn't even sure if I wanted to see him. If I saw him, then that would make it real, that meant he was really gone. That meant that my hero has finally won the battle, he was going home.

I bent over the body of my hero and planted a kiss on his forehead. I was so angry at how much pain he had to go through, that even though he fought brilliantly, he was still taken away from us. I held on to my 5 year old fantasies that he would make it. If he couldn't make it, nobody could. I watched my warm tears flow down his face and I half expected him to open his eyes and smile at me. To make me feel better, like he usually does. And I felt a pain in my heart when he didn't and all I could do was lie down beside him and drown in the noise that was surrounding me.

I'm still not over it. I would never get over it.

I know it's wrong to be in denial, to not want to talk or think about him too much but I really can't. The pain my heart feels is just too much for me to handle.

And I know that my Dad wouldn't that.
He would just want me to be happy.
That's what he always wanted for everyone.

You will forever be the number one man in my life Dad.
Nobody can ever, ever take your place.

And I love you so so much. 

I'll always be your little girl.
Thank you for making my life so wonderful.

I feel: sadsad
wild electric_chloedancer on October 19th, 2009 12:27 am (UTC)
I started crying reading this, Rica. I hope you know that I think your most beautiful writing has so far always been about your family. That's true love right there.
Theresebutterfly08 on March 3rd, 2010 06:06 pm (UTC)
I cried all the way through this. He seems like such a loving dad. I miss mine so much, too.